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Author Topic: Since this board seems a bit dead...  (Read 6182 times)

Offline Akira

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Since this board seems a bit dead...
« on: June 01, 2007, 08:19:23 PM »
Here's a small bit of writing I did on my free time. I did it in about 20 minutes, so it's not much. I realize we have better writers here; which is why I decided to learn.

Irony

"Love is about timing. Timing alone."

Through my amazing powers of deja vu and a strange twist of fate, I came to learn how true this statement was during the winter break of my sophmore year.

We were leaving to China; I knew there was not much I could do once back. I planned to spend my days quietly playing Go with my grandfather, perhaps strolling the streets or gardens of Beijing, or perhaps get some shopping done. I didn't really know what I wanted; I just needed some time to think about things.

Around this time, I was starting to get a serious picture of who I really was. Apart from the sillyness that I was on the outside, I felt I had the need to know who I was on the inside.

I began debating earlier in the year; I thought this would be a prime chance to find some Eastern Philosophy to read, to understand. I bought a copy of Lao-Tze, Annelects and I-ching. I began reading, and the teachings of Lao-Tze, that is, Daoism, began to take root within me.

He advocated a natural order of things, and a desire to go along with the flow. There was no need to fight the flow of anything, he claimed. Just go along with it. "The knarled tree lives the longest," he claimed, "because it is utterly and completely useless." That made sense to me. Just be content with everything. It goes along with my idea of apathy. If you don't make yourself useful, you won't attract attention. Okay.

One day, I was just riding the subway down to the mall, and thought to myself, "Hey, there's a lot of cute chicks lurking around. That'd be really funny if I started dating one."

A week before I had to return from my brief trip, I stopped at a friend's house to visit. He and I went way back.

On the way there, I was almost hit by a car. I was walking in the white, frigid January snow, when I heard something drop on the street. It was my cellphone.

"Hey, hey! You dropped your cellphone," a married couple yelled at me from across the sidewalk.
"Oh, shit," I thought to myself, "It's in the middle of the ****ing road. There's no cars right now, so I might as well go and get it."

I dashed into the street in a split second of pure stupidity. For some strange reason, I never saw that white car coming for me. I picked up the phone, heard the screeching of brakes, and just barely felt the bumper touch my leg.

"What the ****! Use your eyes, dipshit!" the driver angrily yelled.

I made several gestures, signaling I was sorry, and quickly walked away.

After almost being hit by a car, I figured I would have better luck for the rest of the month.

As I arrived at my friend's house, I looked at his cellphone. On it was a string of six pictures; all of the same girl. She had medium-length hair, and was smiling. What really capivated me was her extremely cute face.

"Woah," I said, "Who's this fine honey?"
"My girlfriend," he said simply.

I was in shock. My friend was one of the plainest, most unattractive men I'd ever met in my life. Despite the fact that we were good friends, I frequently made fun of his weight, his constantly runny nose, and his pig-like face. How he scored such a beautiful girlfriend was beyond me.

That night, I had the pleasure of meeting his girlfriend. She was even more impressive in person. Not only did she have a beautiful face, clean, smooth hair, she also had an amazing figure. She was a bit taller than I; her chest fully developed, with a lovely, clear voice. I felt an attraction to her almost immediately. She was also a junior. That was fine with me. I've always preferred older women. Oh, the irony of it all.

During conversation, she pointed out my relatively short stature.

"**** you," I said playfully.
"Sure," she smiled, "Go ahead."

That hit me. I hadn't been expecting that. I knew it was probably just her personal comeback, but it was interesting to me nonetheless. When we parted ways, she gave me her cellphone number.

"Text me," she said, "I'll be waiting."

Now this was just weird. My friend had told me secretly that he sometimes wished he didn't have to deal with his girlfriend. Hmm. I knew that if I really wanted to go through the trouble, I could break the two of them up. Then I could work my way from there. But I decided not to. Some things are just not to be meddled with, and this was one of them. I pushed the two of them to the back of my mind.

The day before my flight, my friend IMed me.

He told me quite simply, "We broke up."

Of course, I had to give him the formalities. "Oh, I'm sorry," "That's too bad," etc., etc. But that was a bunch of bullshit. I picked up the slip of paper his now ex-girlfriend had given me, and dialed the number.

"Hello?" A voice on the other end said. She was audibly sobbing.
"It's me. Bowen. I met you the other day," I said.
"JESUS CHRIST! I've been waiting... for a text... from you... all week," she said.
"Why?" inquired I.

At that time, it was four in the afternoon. This call lasted until four in the morning.

During that time, I learned all about her. What she thought friends were. Friends, to her, were nothing. Anyone could be her friend. She had a couple of good friends, those were the ones that understood her unconditionally.

She also confessed to me that she wasn't a virgin. Why she would do such a thing, I had no clue. She told me all about her first sexual experience, her her own bedroom with her parents twenty feet away. She told me that when she was still a virgin, she would sit in the back of the room, pretending to pay attention, and her boyfriend would just finger her all day.

One day, her hymen broke. It hurt, she told me. She bled all over her chair.

To me, she seemed like an easy person. Not just easy, almost whorish. But she knew what she was doing. She was on pills all year round. "Just in case," she said. She didn't mind being ****ed, or anything. She told me that one time, a friend of hers, who had a girlfriend, just came to her and said, "Please, I can't stand it anymore."

They got a room.

Love, for her, was a different matter. She drew a very clear line between love and lust. She treated every boyfriend she ever had like her most precious. She never cheated on her boyfriend; she never thought about doing something like that.

Once, she was dating. A long-time friend of hers confessed his love to her; there was nothing she could do about it. She told him that she was sorry and that she couldn't date him.

He jumped off a bridge, and became paralyzed from the waist down.

He committed suicide in a traffic accident a few months later.

I told her my own stories; my own views on sex and love, all of that. I made her laugh. She was completely cheery by about 1.

I became sleepy around 3. I promised her I would call in the morning, if I had time.

"You know," I said. "I'm leaving the country tomorrow morning."
"Please stay," she said firmly.
"No..." I said. "That's absurd. I must leave."

Then she told me.

"I really like you. Couldn't we go out?"

Shit. I hung up.

I lamented for being a mere 15 years old. I lamented for not being independent. I lamented for having to leave.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Here I was, about to leave, with a beautiful, intelligent 16 year old telling me she wanted to go out with me.

I could almost picture what we'd be like together. Images of her naked body floated through my brain. I could only picture what I would be doing if I was still in China right now.

But I couldn't. I called back in the morning. She wanted me to forget her. There was no way it would work, she said.

Well fine.

As I boarded the plane back to America, I knew that I would never see her in my life. That was fine with me. After all, it would just be too awkward. I wonder how she's doing now; if she's having sex with some other man.

I hate my deja vu sometimes. It seems, in my life, that I can think of things on a whim and they come true.

When I was in 7th grade, I went to Japan. It was raining. I dropped 10 yen in a box at Meiji Shrine, and wished for it to stop raining; it stopped, around two hours later. I wanted to go to a private school in 8th grade; I made it. And thinking back, in that cold subway, in the middle of December, I stood. I thought, "I want to pick up some cute chicks."

And I had.

But now, I was leaving. I was going back to America. I was never seeing her again. There was nothing I could do.

I thought back to Lao-Tze. Go with the flow. Be at harmony. Apathy. But I couldn't do that. I just felt too furious, too helpless. There was only one throught running through my head on the flight back:

**** my luck.
I don't have opinions. I have facts.

Offline Pachinko

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2007, 08:24:57 PM »
Kay, entirely too long to read here.

I'll print it and carry it in my pocket. Let you know what I think. <3
^^"

Offline AC

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2007, 08:54:55 PM »
Very commendable writing here, but umm... is this supposed to be a fictional story or an excerpt from your diary? Because it sounds like an event in your seemingly grim and frisky life...

:E
Quote from: Akira
"I really like you. Couldn't we go out?"
 
Shit. I hung up.
 
I lamented for being a mere 15 years old. I lamented for not being independent. I lamented for having to leave.
 
Shit, shit, shit, shit. Here I was, about to leave, with a beautiful, intelligent 16 year old telling me she wanted to go out with me.
If this really happened, then you're a big loser.
 
:F

Offline Akira

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2007, 10:37:57 PM »
AC, thanks for the compliment.

And no, I don't think I'd write *that* much in my personal diary. I'm waaaay too lazy for that XDDDDD;;

My real life, sadly, consists of me sitting in front of the computer and watching Lucky Star.
I don't have opinions. I have facts.

Offline Kurier

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2007, 11:01:36 PM »
Quote from: Akira
AC, thanks for the compliment.

And no, I don't think I'd write *that* much in my personal diary. I'm waaaay too lazy for that XDDDDD;;

My real life, sadly, consists of me sitting in front of the computer and watching Lucky Star.


And talking to me, you can't forget that. Mainly, because we talk about Lucky Star together and exchange GIFs of characters.

Like I said to you when I first read this; if you don't do something with your talents I will be very upset with you.
I fell off the wagon and now I can't stop.

Offline Kuma

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2007, 07:34:18 AM »
Nice piece of writing.  I like the way that it's written so that the reader doesn't know how much of it is true and how much is fiction.

Irony's a bitch sometimes. :)

Offline AC

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2007, 07:40:45 AM »
Quote from: Kuma
Nice piece of writing. I like the way that it's written so that the reader doesn't know how much of it is true and how much is fiction.
 
Irony's a bitch sometimes. :)
Heh... and I thought reality's the true bitch and irony's just the biatch.
 
:E

Offline royal crown

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2007, 10:44:16 PM »
Disclaimer: I do think the story is good, I'm just trying to focus on critiquing because I think it's more helpful.

As a diary-style slice of life (in the literary sense) work, it stands alone pretty well. However, it feels incomplete. Whether or not it IS incomplete or not is a whole different issue. That being said, there were some scenes, especially in the beginning, that didn't relate to the story overall, and thus felt lacking in terms of development. If that was your intent, to create the linear structure mirroring normal life that's fine, but from a holistic standpoint it seems awkward. It's hard to say because I don't know your intent, but this is my guess.

Offline Kuma

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2007, 10:34:09 AM »
Short stories aren't necessarily supposed to be complete.  A good short story goes from one important event/turning point to another important event/turning point.  Akira's story goes from leaving for China to returning from China.

If you want completeness read a novel. :)

Offline Godai

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2007, 12:28:02 AM »
I bit late, but  I really enjoyed reading it.

Weird, I read Tao Te Ching 2 months ago.

Is any of it non-fiction?

 It's a bokura-ga-ita story with Fate being a bitch +10.

Offline Akira

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Re: Since this board seems a bit dead...
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2007, 08:47:51 AM »
Nah, this is something I just made up.

Unfortunately, my life isn't that interesting XD;;;
I don't have opinions. I have facts.
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